Uh...what???

I was flabbergasted when I saw that my last post was dated 2/25! How can that be? Now, admittedly I have been terrible at any sort of communication over the last few months both over email and by phone even with close pals and fam. But nonetheless, I feel wretched that it's been almost too months since a post. Probably doesn't seem quite that long since I have been keeping up with reading others’ blogs and even commenting some. My lack of emotional and physical energy seems at least in part to blame for my despondency about writing about my own life. Warning….LONG post ahead……

-The huge sigh of relief after our CVS results has generally continued as things with this preggo have been generally progressing well. My morning sickness officially abated around 14 weeks only to be replaced by killer migraines, sometimes as many as 3 a week which left me paralyzed for sometimes a whole day. I don't want to jinx it by speaking the words but things seem to have been a bit better over the last two weeks.

-We had our fetal echocardiogram at 15 weeks which looked great. No problems that could be detected though we were recommended to have a follow-up at 20 when things will be a bit bigger and easier to see. Will spare you the details of retardo tech who gave us an unnecessary scare before the doctor arrived when she made no comments on what she was seeing before whispering to the observing resident about paging the doctor. She then had the nerve to snap at us when we dared to ask if there was a problem, “NO! There is NO problem”, with such condescension. Bitch.

-18 week anatomy scan last week also went brilliantly. Everything looked as it should on both babies and they are measuring right in the 50th percentile. Couldn't tell you how happy I am for something to be so totally and completely "average"!

-Start going in every two weeks for cervix checks starting next week. Mine was gorgeous and long at last check but this is just part of the routine monitoring they do for multiples at this clinic.

-Generally I have been feeling pretty well physically. LOVED those couple of weeks in the beginning of 2nd trimester (sans migraines of course) when I had loads of energy and was feeling groovy. Last week the overall exhaustion seemed to start again and this morning I woke to some sciatic-like pains in my lower back. Definitely starting to feel a bit big and slow which scares me since I plan to stay pregnant for many more weeks! I am happy to be showing now and not just fat. Definitely had some difficulty handling the weight gain and body image stuff around 13 weeks though I am ashamed to admit it. Still comes and goes a bit though the guilt that I have about complaining about it is extreme so generally I am able to stuff it away. Probably gained close to 20 lbs at this point which I guess is right on track for most twin pregnancies. Still a little hard to see the scale up so high though. I think I have gained more than half of it in my boobs. No joke. And in my case that's not a good thing cause I had enough before hand. And now they are simply unmanageable. They seem to think they are in competition with my stomach to be the largest thing on my front side. Well, they'd better let go of that dream real soon or I am in definite danger of becoming one gigantic boob. And I don’t know how one would find a bra to fit that!

- I have been waiting not-so-patiently for these girls (that's right! We've got two girls in there! Am appalled that I haven't even mentioned THAT yet. I don't need to tell you we are thrilled) to start moving. I notice every tiny little twinge in my belly thinking that maybe that was the one. But definitely nothing to completely convince me that movement is what I am feeling and not just the big bean burrito I had for lunch. I've had non-pregnant digestional dancing that was MUCH more significant than anything I have felt. Not really worried about things just ready for them to start rocking in there!


-Emotionally things have been a little rough. Not directly related to the pregnancy, mind you. We know that are lives are inevitably going to change (god willing) come August or September. However, we are also faced with hoards of other changes possibly occurring at the same time that I am just not sure I am able to handle. Mr. P. is graduating from busin. school in May and has been looking desperately for a job. It is certainly not that he can't get a job but he happens to be pursuing a specific avenue that is difficult to get into and does not actively recruit or even advertise open positions. Instead, making your way into this particular niche happens due to hardcore networking and just being in the right place at the right time. He’s got some decent leads now, a few out west and a couple in the Mid-Atlantic. And NOTHING in NY.C. It’s not that he wants to leave the city but there is just nothing that seems to be opening up around here at the moment. I have known for a while that we may be put in this position but I am not handling it well. I don’t want to leave. I am terrified of starting over in a new place at almost exactly the same time that I have two new babies (fingers crossed). I’ve done the whole starting over in a new place thing and, while exciting, it was harder than I thought. And that was while single. I am terrified of waking up one day just a few months from now and not having a single thing in my life that is familiar, not even my grocery store or my dentist or the junkie on the corner. And to have no friends, no job, and possibly no family close by while trying to manage this massive life change sounds like a recipe for a Major Depressive disaster. The other part of my displeasure with this idea is just the fact that I love where we live right now. I love the city. I love my neighborhood and that I know and recognize people in it. I love our park and our dog run and, again, that junkie who lives on the corner. I will be desperately sad if and when we have to leave. Though the reality is that, even if we stay in the city we likely will have to move anyway. We have no room for two babies unless we rig up some sort of bunk bed bassinets in the bedroom closet!

The not knowing thing is perhaps making me the most anxious of all since this is supposed to be a time of planning and nesting and I can’t even tell you what in what hospital or in what city I will be giving birth! Time is quickly ticking by and I am slowly loosing my mind with so much uncertainty. And I am not even a planner! (Notice, I have made no mention of my concerns about the possibility of bedrest or some other potential medical complication being thrown into the mix. A good case of denial is keeping me from going there lest I be institutionalized by the end of the week!)

Please don’t let my craziness fool you. I am genuinely enjoying this pregnancy and thank my lucky stars everyday that we are where we are. I still don’t know how we lucked out because it seems like the odds were utterly stacked against us. We had no usable sperm a week and half before retrieval, remember. I know that hope can run thin in these parts but it does live and we are proof. Am also sending lots over to those still in the trenches. Am always thinking about you.

A fabulous weekend to everyone!