That's right. We've got two in there!
Yesterday's scan was great. We saw two sacs, each with a tadpole-like thingy. Both were measuring exactly the same at exactly where they should be for about 6 weeks. Best of all, we saw heartbeats for both.
I still can't remark on anything related to my current "state" without the qualifier, "It's still early and who knows what could happen...." However, to know that something is right on track at this point gives me massive (though momentary, I'm sure) relief. Our next scan is on the 30th to check and make sure things continue to be on track. I believe that we will graduate to a plain ole OB after that. Can you imagine?!
I am still waiting for the panic to set in. It hasn't yet. At least not in the way that I thought it would when I've thought of 'two' before. I feel as Mr. P. does, that it feels as if all of this is
happening to some other couple. Definitely not us. I don't think he took a breath through the whole ultrasound. He swore up and down that he wasn't panicking but I didn't really believe him when I looked up and his face was pale and he looked kinda sweaty. But I also know that he was on the verge of tears, and not out of panic but out of shear joy.
Holy crap! Twin heartbeats!
I know it's still early but....I am incredibly thankful and in total amazement. I never thought we'd get this far. And we might just get further!
I attempted to post the ultrasound pic but Mr. P. scanned it completely crooked and I have no program on this computer to correct it. Not that it's super interesting. Just some blurry looking sacs but incredibly amazing to us. Will attempt again later.
Off to the ballet tonight! Has been forever since I've done anything classic NYC like that. Can't wait!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Quiet
I've been quiet for a while. Been reading lots of blogs, commenting some but having a really hard time writing anything. Not that I've been doing a great job of that anyway. I've really done a sucky job with this blog thing after all sorts of high expectations for myself about being witty and thoughtful and appropriately provocative. But I've been none of that. And can't figure out why. I have enjoyed many such exchanges with friends over emails and phone calls over the years, gotten good "reviews" about being clever, funny, interesting, etc. Yet I can't seem to get any of that out here. Sometimes I do develop such posts in my head while walking home from work but just seem to peter out by the time I sit in front of my computer. Is it because I'm drained from loads of writing I have to spew out each day? Is my creativity just shot? Eh. I don't know. I will try better though I am too old (and too wise?) to beat myself up too much over not being at the top of my game all the time. Afterall, this platform is supposed to be at least mildly therapeutic, right?
Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?
So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.
Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.
Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?
So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.
Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Up We Go!
Betas
12/31--624
1/2--1603
Here's hoping that they keep going up up up like this! That's a doubling time of 35.26 hours, I think.
Not too shabby.
HOly crap. I think I'm still in shock.
Yes, I realize that these numbers are high and that I might be at the gate of Twin Land?
Gulp. Gulp.
First scan is scheduled for Monday, 1/14. I could have scheduled it next week since my levels are over 1000 (my clinic stops the regular betas after reaching this level) but Mr. P. will be out of town. At least by then I might be able to hear a heartbeat(s)? If I don't die from paranoia and anticipation first. The paranoia is gunna be the first to get me, I know it.
I want to thank all of you for your kind words and congratulations, especially since I know some of you have not been as lucky this time around. I know how hard it is to blow sunshine and happiness when all you want to do in head back under the covers and scream that "it should be me!". It should be. I have spent many hours under those covers and genuinely appreciate the strength gathered to send your happiness.
12/31--624
1/2--1603
Here's hoping that they keep going up up up like this! That's a doubling time of 35.26 hours, I think.
Not too shabby.
HOly crap. I think I'm still in shock.
Yes, I realize that these numbers are high and that I might be at the gate of Twin Land?
Gulp. Gulp.
First scan is scheduled for Monday, 1/14. I could have scheduled it next week since my levels are over 1000 (my clinic stops the regular betas after reaching this level) but Mr. P. will be out of town. At least by then I might be able to hear a heartbeat(s)? If I don't die from paranoia and anticipation first. The paranoia is gunna be the first to get me, I know it.
I want to thank all of you for your kind words and congratulations, especially since I know some of you have not been as lucky this time around. I know how hard it is to blow sunshine and happiness when all you want to do in head back under the covers and scream that "it should be me!". It should be. I have spent many hours under those covers and genuinely appreciate the strength gathered to send your happiness.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
HaPPPy New Year
Beta=600-something!! (i barely heard anything beyond the six hundred...)
Holy shit.
We are, for this moment anyway, pregnant!!!
I must admit that on Thursday I did POAS and did get a strong positive though I still was
in denial and paranoid until today. OK, definitely still in Denial Land a bit but at least I know the positive is not due to faulty stick or inadequate peeing techniques.
Go back on tomorrow for next beta.
It know it is still incredibly early and lot could still happen but we have gotten farther than I ever though we would which gives me hope. With my joy comes great guilt that we have been lucky thus far in our first IVF when many who have tried and struggled for so long are still fighting the good fight. I wish for the New Year that for so many of you who deserve it perhaps more than I to also be in this place and for us to all have a fertile journey together in 2008.
Holy shit.
We are, for this moment anyway, pregnant!!!
I must admit that on Thursday I did POAS and did get a strong positive though I still was
in denial and paranoid until today. OK, definitely still in Denial Land a bit but at least I know the positive is not due to faulty stick or inadequate peeing techniques.
Go back on tomorrow for next beta.
It know it is still incredibly early and lot could still happen but we have gotten farther than I ever though we would which gives me hope. With my joy comes great guilt that we have been lucky thus far in our first IVF when many who have tried and struggled for so long are still fighting the good fight. I wish for the New Year that for so many of you who deserve it perhaps more than I to also be in this place and for us to all have a fertile journey together in 2008.
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