Quiet

I've been quiet for a while. Been reading lots of blogs, commenting some but having a really hard time writing anything. Not that I've been doing a great job of that anyway. I've really done a sucky job with this blog thing after all sorts of high expectations for myself about being witty and thoughtful and appropriately provocative. But I've been none of that. And can't figure out why. I have enjoyed many such exchanges with friends over emails and phone calls over the years, gotten good "reviews" about being clever, funny, interesting, etc. Yet I can't seem to get any of that out here. Sometimes I do develop such posts in my head while walking home from work but just seem to peter out by the time I sit in front of my computer. Is it because I'm drained from loads of writing I have to spew out each day? Is my creativity just shot? Eh. I don't know. I will try better though I am too old (and too wise?) to beat myself up too much over not being at the top of my game all the time. Afterall, this platform is supposed to be at least mildly therapeutic, right?

Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?

So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.

Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.