Quiet

I've been quiet for a while. Been reading lots of blogs, commenting some but having a really hard time writing anything. Not that I've been doing a great job of that anyway. I've really done a sucky job with this blog thing after all sorts of high expectations for myself about being witty and thoughtful and appropriately provocative. But I've been none of that. And can't figure out why. I have enjoyed many such exchanges with friends over emails and phone calls over the years, gotten good "reviews" about being clever, funny, interesting, etc. Yet I can't seem to get any of that out here. Sometimes I do develop such posts in my head while walking home from work but just seem to peter out by the time I sit in front of my computer. Is it because I'm drained from loads of writing I have to spew out each day? Is my creativity just shot? Eh. I don't know. I will try better though I am too old (and too wise?) to beat myself up too much over not being at the top of my game all the time. Afterall, this platform is supposed to be at least mildly therapeutic, right?

Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?

So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.

Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.

Beta Day

Today’s the big day! Got up ass early to make it to the clinic for my test. I should hear between 3 and 4 today. Am feeling pretty hopeful (yes, I am shocking my paranoid self by feeling this way) about this. For the last three or four days I have been having quite a few symptoms of sorts, starting with a saucy dream on Thursday night which almost resulted in the big “O”. Somehow the lucid bit of my brain intervened to put a stop to it, reminding me that I am not supposed to have one of those during the 2ww! At that point I woke up to realize I was having intense burning cramps in my uterus of a somewhat different nature than A.F. Must have been the cause of all that, ahem…stimulation down there. I felt the urge to eat something immediately which, of course, I did. I could not sleep the rest of the night due to the discomfort. Not sure if from the cramps or the load of food I’d just cramped down my gullet. The following couple of days brought on a few bouts of the same in addition to some crazy abdominal distention (which made me look about 6 months pregnant and kept me from being able to button my pants) and lots of pain which lead to another couple of sleepless nights. A call to a clinic nurse two nights ago confirmed what I suspected….A mild case of OHSS. The good news there is, she explained with cautious optimism, that delayed cases of this are often brought on by increased hormones of pregnancy. Here’s hoping! I have been trying to lay low, drink electrolyte-filled liquids (finally switched to Sm.art. Water after not being able to stomach all the sugar in Vit.a.min Water). It seems to be helping somewhat. The mornings are much better than the evenings when I have lots of discomfort and have a balloon stomach. I am pretty much out of tunic shirts that will hide this sham bump. How sad. I’ve always wanted a big round bump but not like this. Such a farce. Or maybe not.........

The significance of the beta happening on the last day of 2007 is not lost on me though I feel that I should hold off on pontificating about it until the results are in. Until then, loads of work sit in front of me to keep me busy and keep my dreamy head reigned in and close to earth.