Uh...what???

I was flabbergasted when I saw that my last post was dated 2/25! How can that be? Now, admittedly I have been terrible at any sort of communication over the last few months both over email and by phone even with close pals and fam. But nonetheless, I feel wretched that it's been almost too months since a post. Probably doesn't seem quite that long since I have been keeping up with reading others’ blogs and even commenting some. My lack of emotional and physical energy seems at least in part to blame for my despondency about writing about my own life. Warning….LONG post ahead……

-The huge sigh of relief after our CVS results has generally continued as things with this preggo have been generally progressing well. My morning sickness officially abated around 14 weeks only to be replaced by killer migraines, sometimes as many as 3 a week which left me paralyzed for sometimes a whole day. I don't want to jinx it by speaking the words but things seem to have been a bit better over the last two weeks.

-We had our fetal echocardiogram at 15 weeks which looked great. No problems that could be detected though we were recommended to have a follow-up at 20 when things will be a bit bigger and easier to see. Will spare you the details of retardo tech who gave us an unnecessary scare before the doctor arrived when she made no comments on what she was seeing before whispering to the observing resident about paging the doctor. She then had the nerve to snap at us when we dared to ask if there was a problem, “NO! There is NO problem”, with such condescension. Bitch.

-18 week anatomy scan last week also went brilliantly. Everything looked as it should on both babies and they are measuring right in the 50th percentile. Couldn't tell you how happy I am for something to be so totally and completely "average"!

-Start going in every two weeks for cervix checks starting next week. Mine was gorgeous and long at last check but this is just part of the routine monitoring they do for multiples at this clinic.

-Generally I have been feeling pretty well physically. LOVED those couple of weeks in the beginning of 2nd trimester (sans migraines of course) when I had loads of energy and was feeling groovy. Last week the overall exhaustion seemed to start again and this morning I woke to some sciatic-like pains in my lower back. Definitely starting to feel a bit big and slow which scares me since I plan to stay pregnant for many more weeks! I am happy to be showing now and not just fat. Definitely had some difficulty handling the weight gain and body image stuff around 13 weeks though I am ashamed to admit it. Still comes and goes a bit though the guilt that I have about complaining about it is extreme so generally I am able to stuff it away. Probably gained close to 20 lbs at this point which I guess is right on track for most twin pregnancies. Still a little hard to see the scale up so high though. I think I have gained more than half of it in my boobs. No joke. And in my case that's not a good thing cause I had enough before hand. And now they are simply unmanageable. They seem to think they are in competition with my stomach to be the largest thing on my front side. Well, they'd better let go of that dream real soon or I am in definite danger of becoming one gigantic boob. And I don’t know how one would find a bra to fit that!

- I have been waiting not-so-patiently for these girls (that's right! We've got two girls in there! Am appalled that I haven't even mentioned THAT yet. I don't need to tell you we are thrilled) to start moving. I notice every tiny little twinge in my belly thinking that maybe that was the one. But definitely nothing to completely convince me that movement is what I am feeling and not just the big bean burrito I had for lunch. I've had non-pregnant digestional dancing that was MUCH more significant than anything I have felt. Not really worried about things just ready for them to start rocking in there!


-Emotionally things have been a little rough. Not directly related to the pregnancy, mind you. We know that are lives are inevitably going to change (god willing) come August or September. However, we are also faced with hoards of other changes possibly occurring at the same time that I am just not sure I am able to handle. Mr. P. is graduating from busin. school in May and has been looking desperately for a job. It is certainly not that he can't get a job but he happens to be pursuing a specific avenue that is difficult to get into and does not actively recruit or even advertise open positions. Instead, making your way into this particular niche happens due to hardcore networking and just being in the right place at the right time. He’s got some decent leads now, a few out west and a couple in the Mid-Atlantic. And NOTHING in NY.C. It’s not that he wants to leave the city but there is just nothing that seems to be opening up around here at the moment. I have known for a while that we may be put in this position but I am not handling it well. I don’t want to leave. I am terrified of starting over in a new place at almost exactly the same time that I have two new babies (fingers crossed). I’ve done the whole starting over in a new place thing and, while exciting, it was harder than I thought. And that was while single. I am terrified of waking up one day just a few months from now and not having a single thing in my life that is familiar, not even my grocery store or my dentist or the junkie on the corner. And to have no friends, no job, and possibly no family close by while trying to manage this massive life change sounds like a recipe for a Major Depressive disaster. The other part of my displeasure with this idea is just the fact that I love where we live right now. I love the city. I love my neighborhood and that I know and recognize people in it. I love our park and our dog run and, again, that junkie who lives on the corner. I will be desperately sad if and when we have to leave. Though the reality is that, even if we stay in the city we likely will have to move anyway. We have no room for two babies unless we rig up some sort of bunk bed bassinets in the bedroom closet!

The not knowing thing is perhaps making me the most anxious of all since this is supposed to be a time of planning and nesting and I can’t even tell you what in what hospital or in what city I will be giving birth! Time is quickly ticking by and I am slowly loosing my mind with so much uncertainty. And I am not even a planner! (Notice, I have made no mention of my concerns about the possibility of bedrest or some other potential medical complication being thrown into the mix. A good case of denial is keeping me from going there lest I be institutionalized by the end of the week!)

Please don’t let my craziness fool you. I am genuinely enjoying this pregnancy and thank my lucky stars everyday that we are where we are. I still don’t know how we lucked out because it seems like the odds were utterly stacked against us. We had no usable sperm a week and half before retrieval, remember. I know that hope can run thin in these parts but it does live and we are proof. Am also sending lots over to those still in the trenches. Am always thinking about you.

A fabulous weekend to everyone!

Breathing Again...

You may have heard my sigh of relief however faraway you are. Got the call yesterday afternoon that both babies preliminarily tested negative for chromosomal problems. We are not out of the woods. We will have to be carefully monitored to make sure that the early increased nuchal was not due to birth defects like a heart abnormality, etc. But even that worry can not take away from the incredible sense of relief and renewed excitement I have about this pregnancy. Bring on the nausea (which, btw, has reappeared), bring on the weight gain, bring on the headaches. I will embrace it all for these babies to be healthy. I know we would have gotten through different results. I know that we would have loved them no matter their condition (we already do). But to know that these kids stand a good chance of beginning life without tremendous hardship is a true blessing.

We did, btw, find out the sexes of the babies, something that I swore I would never do ahead of time if I got pregnant. Mr. P. was adamant about finding out which kind of surprised me. The news that we were expecting twins kind of changed that for me. Why, I don't know. Something about planning was the reason I gave though I am certainly not one for all these gender specific baby items. This little scare, however, really cemented my need to know. I already feel connected to these little ones in a way I didn't expect to so early on. To have our dreams of what the lives of these children might be like suddenly threatened made my need to bond with and get to know them individually imperative, something which seemed a bit harder to do without the knowledge of their sexes. That being said.....I am going to leave you in suspense just a bit longer...

You may have noticed that I added a few things to brighten up my blog. The first is my favorite work by Pi.casso, one that to me represents the brilliant co-mingling of motherhood, nurturance and creativity, ideas that are not mutually exclusive in my book. Two, I finally added a ticker. Initially I delayed out of superstition and was on the verge of putting it up just before our little "scare" last week. Out of celebration and relief I am adding it now with a fair amount of confidence that things will progress as planned. Though the baby.strology ticker is my favorite, the frequency with which it malfunctions when their site is down is slightly annoying.

Have lots of work to get to now that I am capable of thinking and breathing again. Many thanks again for your thoughts, support and advice!

Glimmer of Hope?

First, I would like to give many thanks to all of you for your wonderful words of support and advice. I have taken it all to heart and it's so relieving to know that there is always a place where I will feel encouraged and held up. I will definitely be following up on some of the suggestions and info people have provided.

Yesterday was interesting. The CVS wasn't terrible though was a bit more painful and uncomfortable than I was hoping. Both babies were tested since they would want to test the second baby anyway if the results for Baby B are positive as it would increase the chance of the second twin having issues. Because of the position of the placentas one was performed transabdominally (ouch and unpleasant having large needle pushed through and jabbed around) and the other transcervically (more like a slightly uncomfortable pap or when they threaded the catheter through at ivf transfer). I knew I was in good hands as I am being seen at one of the best MFM departments in the country but felt even better when the resident assisting the procedure informed us that the doc in charge is one of the best and most experienced cvs docs in the country and maybe even the world! whew...

Now, to the best news of the day... during the initial scan to check the placement of the placentas the tech checked the nuchal of our precious Baby B. Since Tuesday it had decreased to between 2.5 and 2.7mm. I had been secretly hoping and praying this might happen (though having no idea if this was likely or even possible) but kept it to myself for fear of the universe laughing at me for holding onto some ridiculously small bit of hope. We are definitely not out of the woods since the fact that it was raised at all raises the risks. But this decrease bodes much better for the outcome according to the tech and the doc. The tech explained that it could just mean that that Baby B's lymphatic system is behind a little developmentally and is now catching up filtering out the fluid. I also made them look and see if they could detect any sort of nasal bone at this stage and, though definitely still an uncertain science, both tech and doc found something that they agreed looked like a nasal bone. As Mr. P. pointed out, if we had come in for the originally scheduled nuchal scan screening today the measurements may have been completely in the normal range and we might have avoided this altogether. Ah, the joys of technology and being over-informed! Might we sometimes be better without it?

I am definitely feeling some relief though don't want to let my guard down until we know something good for sure. We should get the preliminary results on Monday afternoon. As others mentioned, we know that it things come back negative we will still be followed closely as increased nuchal folds can be signs of other things not detectable by CVS (ie, birth defects, genetic problems, etc).

How incredibly exhausting this has been. I took the day off of work today, not because I really needed to but just because I needed a bit of down time to recoup and breathe. As it turned out, I picked a good day as we have finally gotten our first decent snowfall of the season in the N.YC area, something I have been waiting for not-so-patiently. Generally, I don't really know that I believe in signs from the universe or God or whatever but today I am choosing to think of this snow as a little gift of peace and tranquility, something to help soothe and temper my remaining fear and uncertainty. It couldn't have come at a better time.

If there has been one good thing to come out of this mess it's been that I feel much more connected to my little ones (though I assume this would have happened anyway so I am not THAT grateful for what I hope is just a senseless scare). They are no longer just these little bugs floating around in there but my living, growing little children who I adore already and worry about ceaselessly.

Thanks again to all of you for your words of support. No matter what the final results it is fabulous to know that there is a community out there ready to embrace you.

Blindsided

I'm not even really sure where to begin. First, my worry about my sudden lack of symptoms was for naught (if I only knew what I should really be worrying about). Last week's ultrasound was highly reassuring as we saw both beans jumping about at 10w2d. I hit a wall soon after when I came down with a horrible head cold just before I was to jump on a plane to Aus.tin to visit with wonderful college girlfriends. Aside from killer ear pain on the plane, an asthma attack caused by dear friend's cat for which I could take no medicine and resulted in me staying in a hotel, the weekend was great. I had a bit of brown spotting/discharge on Saturday which scared me a bit but quickly went away.

The story changes a bit as I decided to go into doctor "just in case" after said spotting turned up again yesterday morning. Ultrasound again yielded jumping beans looking great and measuring right on target. I was psyched that the tech was indulging me a bit more by spending some time checking out each one closely. Until I noticed she was measured the nuchal fold of Baby B. I was supposed to have the first trimester screening on Friday so I began to get a bit nervous when she lingered there, sizing it up. It became obvious even to my untrained eye that something was wrong, that the space was much larger that than of Baby A. I kept it together until she had the doc overseeing ultrasounds that day come in and confirm that Baby B does have a NT measurement of 3.5mm, falling definitely above the normal cut-off of 3mm. I immediately lost it and barely composed myself enough to meet with my doctor who suggested aCVS even without the bloods. She arranged for me to meet the genetic counselor that afternoon which Mr. P. and I nervously did. She basically said this baby's chance of having a chromosomal problem (like Downs, or Trisomy 13 or 18) is is as high as 20% with another 10% chance of other defects or genetic problems. While she kept reminding us that that's still 70% chance of a healthy baby I am not reassured. 1:5 are not good odds. I am devastated. I am scheduled to have a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) tomorrow. We decided that even though we probably wouldn't choose to end the pregnancy we just couldn't wait not knowing anything. I am choosing to put the small risk associated with the procedure out of my mind at this point. I can't deal with additional worrying. My face is swollen from crying. I'm exhausted and can't concentrate on anything. I don't know how I will function at all if the results come back positive. I am at work but only to keep myself out of the house. I really haven't been able to accomplish anything.

I have worried about a lot since the beginning of the process, most of which I considered to be legitimate, reasonable concerns. This didn't even register on my radar. The chances were so small, so remote. I feel blindsided. And alone. And confused. In just a matter of minutes I went from total joy to complete despair and disinterest in my small but growing belly. I don't want to look at maternity clothes or buy books or even eat, though I am making myself do the latter. If anyone has had an experience like this or knows anyone who has and has any info or advice to share it would be much appreciated. I'll be honest, I'm really looking for those "happy ending" stories though I know I also need to prepare myself for other possibilities so I guess I should be open to those too.

9 weeks 3 days and losing my mind?

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Actually, I shouldn't feign such surprise. I'm very much aware that it's been a long time since I've updated here. I've been quiet and lurking but not felt much like posting anything remotely positive in light of some of the incredibly painful loss in the blogging world recently. I know there has always been pain and loss in the IF world but it feels especially cruel and unforgiving right now.

Maybe it feels a bit easier to post today since I am not feeling so positive. In fact, I am barely keeping myself from being completely devoured by total paranoia and terror. We had our last scan with the IF clinic last Wednesday. Everything looked great. Both "gummy bears" (the doc's words not our ours) were measuring right on track at 8w3d and we saw and heard strong heartbeats for both. I was told I could stop my progesterone when the prescription ran out in a few days (seemed a bit early but what do I know) and we were officially released from the clinic to regular, albeit high risk, OB care.

Sounds perfect, right? Yet, my intense nausea (which never led to much actual puking but lots of dry-heaving over the toilet and once over a trashcan on 32nd.st) suddenly faded on Friday and has not returned a lick since. My boobs aren't sore or swollen anymore and even my stomach does not look as big (not just my imagination either since pants that were uncomfortable last week fit a bit better this week). I am trying to tell myself that this is normal, just fluctuations in hormone levels, etc but I just can't escape the fact that I don't feel pregnant at all anymore. And for the second day I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin due to this anxiety which seems to be carrying me further and further towards a total nervous breakdown. Guess I can't brag anymore about how sane I've been staying throughout these tenuous first couple of months. Mr. P. is doing his best to keep me centered and tells me everything is fine. But really, what the hell does he know?

We see our new OB on Tuesday which I know I should be grateful for but which currently seems about a century away.

Anyone had their symptoms fade early only to go on to have a successful outcome? I need some sort of reality check to keep me from going off the deep end. I'm already waist deep!

Double Trouble

That's right. We've got two in there!

Yesterday's scan was great. We saw two sacs, each with a tadpole-like thingy. Both were measuring exactly the same at exactly where they should be for about 6 weeks. Best of all, we saw heartbeats for both.

I still can't remark on anything related to my current "state" without the qualifier, "It's still early and who knows what could happen...." However, to know that something is right on track at this point gives me massive (though momentary, I'm sure) relief. Our next scan is on the 30th to check and make sure things continue to be on track. I believe that we will graduate to a plain ole OB after that. Can you imagine?!

I am still waiting for the panic to set in. It hasn't yet. At least not in the way that I thought it would when I've thought of 'two' before. I feel as Mr. P. does, that it feels as if all of this is
happening to some other couple. Definitely not us. I don't think he took a breath through the whole ultrasound. He swore up and down that he wasn't panicking but I didn't really believe him when I looked up and his face was pale and he looked kinda sweaty. But I also know that he was on the verge of tears, and not out of panic but out of shear joy.

Holy crap! Twin heartbeats!

I know it's still early but....I am incredibly thankful and in total amazement. I never thought we'd get this far. And we might just get further!

I attempted to post the ultrasound pic but Mr. P. scanned it completely crooked and I have no program on this computer to correct it. Not that it's super interesting. Just some blurry looking sacs but incredibly amazing to us. Will attempt again later.

Off to the ballet tonight! Has been forever since I've done anything classic NYC like that. Can't wait!

Quiet

I've been quiet for a while. Been reading lots of blogs, commenting some but having a really hard time writing anything. Not that I've been doing a great job of that anyway. I've really done a sucky job with this blog thing after all sorts of high expectations for myself about being witty and thoughtful and appropriately provocative. But I've been none of that. And can't figure out why. I have enjoyed many such exchanges with friends over emails and phone calls over the years, gotten good "reviews" about being clever, funny, interesting, etc. Yet I can't seem to get any of that out here. Sometimes I do develop such posts in my head while walking home from work but just seem to peter out by the time I sit in front of my computer. Is it because I'm drained from loads of writing I have to spew out each day? Is my creativity just shot? Eh. I don't know. I will try better though I am too old (and too wise?) to beat myself up too much over not being at the top of my game all the time. Afterall, this platform is supposed to be at least mildly therapeutic, right?

Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?

So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.

Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.