Blindsided

I'm not even really sure where to begin. First, my worry about my sudden lack of symptoms was for naught (if I only knew what I should really be worrying about). Last week's ultrasound was highly reassuring as we saw both beans jumping about at 10w2d. I hit a wall soon after when I came down with a horrible head cold just before I was to jump on a plane to Aus.tin to visit with wonderful college girlfriends. Aside from killer ear pain on the plane, an asthma attack caused by dear friend's cat for which I could take no medicine and resulted in me staying in a hotel, the weekend was great. I had a bit of brown spotting/discharge on Saturday which scared me a bit but quickly went away.

The story changes a bit as I decided to go into doctor "just in case" after said spotting turned up again yesterday morning. Ultrasound again yielded jumping beans looking great and measuring right on target. I was psyched that the tech was indulging me a bit more by spending some time checking out each one closely. Until I noticed she was measured the nuchal fold of Baby B. I was supposed to have the first trimester screening on Friday so I began to get a bit nervous when she lingered there, sizing it up. It became obvious even to my untrained eye that something was wrong, that the space was much larger that than of Baby A. I kept it together until she had the doc overseeing ultrasounds that day come in and confirm that Baby B does have a NT measurement of 3.5mm, falling definitely above the normal cut-off of 3mm. I immediately lost it and barely composed myself enough to meet with my doctor who suggested aCVS even without the bloods. She arranged for me to meet the genetic counselor that afternoon which Mr. P. and I nervously did. She basically said this baby's chance of having a chromosomal problem (like Downs, or Trisomy 13 or 18) is is as high as 20% with another 10% chance of other defects or genetic problems. While she kept reminding us that that's still 70% chance of a healthy baby I am not reassured. 1:5 are not good odds. I am devastated. I am scheduled to have a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) tomorrow. We decided that even though we probably wouldn't choose to end the pregnancy we just couldn't wait not knowing anything. I am choosing to put the small risk associated with the procedure out of my mind at this point. I can't deal with additional worrying. My face is swollen from crying. I'm exhausted and can't concentrate on anything. I don't know how I will function at all if the results come back positive. I am at work but only to keep myself out of the house. I really haven't been able to accomplish anything.

I have worried about a lot since the beginning of the process, most of which I considered to be legitimate, reasonable concerns. This didn't even register on my radar. The chances were so small, so remote. I feel blindsided. And alone. And confused. In just a matter of minutes I went from total joy to complete despair and disinterest in my small but growing belly. I don't want to look at maternity clothes or buy books or even eat, though I am making myself do the latter. If anyone has had an experience like this or knows anyone who has and has any info or advice to share it would be much appreciated. I'll be honest, I'm really looking for those "happy ending" stories though I know I also need to prepare myself for other possibilities so I guess I should be open to those too.