The beginning

I am embarrassed to say that I began setting up this blog back in June with our first official visit to the RE yet it has taking me until November to actually post! I have been skulking around on many of the IF blogs for months, feeling like I know many of you so well (kinda creepy I realize. sorry!) though have never posted or commented on a thing. Not sure exactly what my resistance has been. I used my obsessiveness as an excuse (ie, can't post until everything on this page is perfect and i have introduced our IF history down to the minute) as well as the death of my piece of crap laptop (yet, i still managed to check all of your blogs obsessively each day. hmmm...) F-that. I think I am feeling desperate and so need the support that i see shared between you all everyday. I will not deny myself that any longer!

So...though I promise an obsessively laid out history later, here's a bit of it info about me and Mr. P. to tide you over. Met Mr. P. in 2000. Married in 2006. Between this time, though not trying to conceive, we were introduced to the idea that we would probably not have a baby the "old-fashioned way". After much daily pain and discomfort, I was diagnosed with and had removed through laparoscopy endometriosis in 2002. In 2004, a regular check-up revealed that Mr. P. had two sizable varicoceles. SA's were ordered as a result and revealed, in addition to low volume, low sperm count and low morphology, ZERO sperm motility. What seems like hundreds more SAs were ordered over the next several years, all with the same results, the most disconcerting being the ZERO motility. Many tests, scans, etc revealed no reason for these results, leaving the "experts" scratching their heads. Meanwhile, I had another lap in Oct 06 to remove, this time by excision, more endometriosis. In December '06, Mr. P. had a varicocelectomy as a sort of "why the hell not" step, with the doctor's not expressing real confidence that things would improve though, again, "why the hell not" try? No improvement at 4 months post-op though. It was around this time that we first began to seek treatment at one of the big IF clinics in our area. Prior to this point, I thought i knew it all about our options for treatment. I had read religiously everything i could find on IVF and ICSI--what we were told were our options to overcome motility problems. What was never made clear, however, was that the use of the ICSI procedure presupposes that there is at least one motile sperm to use. There had never even been one observed in all of Mr. P's SAs. Though the RE was not discouraging he did note that with no moving sperm it was difficult to tell what sperm were alive and which weren't, an important distinction to make as non-moving dead sperm have little to no fertilization success. Unfortunately, one of the tests to determine viability in non-moving sperm in the process kills the sperm that that are alive. Duh. What idiot came up with that one? If we don't have moving sperm it is unlikely we can do ICSI. This RE ordered yet another SA which, shockingly, at 7 months post-op, revealed 2% sperm! WOOHOO! I realize that 2% does not seem like a lot to be excited about but I was thrilled. I ignored one of the kill-joy docs who suggested it could just be a fluke. From 2% to zero I can understand but after years of zeros to a little bit of movement seems more legitimate, at least that's how i am choosing to look at it. He is scheduled for another SA next week which I am praying again shows at least a few swimmers.

Though I have always thought and dreamt about having children, Mr. P. has been less verbal about these urges though I knew that he did want kids at some point. At times I felt frustrated by what I viewed as his lack of concern about our apparent problems. Things have changed a bit in the last year or so as we have watched friends and siblings have children and Mr. P. has seen something in the idea of fatherhood that he was more distant from before. So, after years of knowing that we would struggle to conceive but not really trying we finally have agreed that we are both ready, with the goal of doing our first IVF-ICSI cycle in January. (That I currently have kick-ass insurance at the moment which covers both IVF and ICSI was also an incentive to get on it now). At times I am saddened by the fact that we never got to try the "old-fashioned way" with the associated joys though I also feel blessed that we discovered these issues early and know that, as a result, I have been able to avoid much of the heartache and disappointment that many of you have suffered before discovering your IF. Yet, though we are just beginning our first real treatments, I feel like the years of worrying, wondering and sadness leave me less fresh and idealistic than one might be at the beginning of treatment. The journey is far from over so i am left with the knowledge that much of the struggle lies ahead but I am hopeful (today at least!).

A final note....
I am known to be a bit long-winded, at least on paper, hence the novel-length "abbreviated" history. I promise not to get too out of control on here as i don't want to scare away my potential new blog buddies....I am excited to "meet" and get to know you all. You all inspire me!

A final final note......
Ha! You thought i was gone. This post, which i started a few weeks ago, already needs an update as there have been several more twists in our IF adventure over the past few weeks. I know, i know, you wait with bated breath...