The Roller Coaster

Pa-lease let me get off this ride. My god. It's making me sick. What a week to be without internet! I have been itching to post everyday but we've been down at work and Mr. P. has been taking our sole computer (still no sign of sunny yellow De.ll laptop that it seems I ordered an eternity ago) to school with him all day everyday so no connectivity for me.

Let's see.... my week started off with what was supposed to be a routine trip to the dentist during which I ended up in tears and scared the bejesus (sp?) out of the hygienist. I have NEVER had problems with my teeth. My check-ups for the last ten years have consisted of "things look good. Just a little tartar. And please floss more"). This visit went more like this....hygienist finishes cleaning, pulls chair close and says in a deathly-serous tone "i don't know what has happened in the last 6 months but you've got some serious problems in that mouth of yours". UH, what? She goes on to say that I am bleeding profusely, my gums are pulling away from the teeth, I have the beginnings of gum disease and she recommends starting antibiotics immediately. Again, Uh what? I looked at her like she was crazy. And then I burst into tears. What is going on in my body? Is there such thing as a premature aging syndrome in which your body starts shutting down and acting like it's 60 when you turn 30? Where your FSH shoots up, your ovaries start to disintegrate and all your hair turns gray. Well, if so, I have it. I have NEVER had dental problems in my life. She seemed as baffled as I when trying to figure out how this could have decompensated so quickly in just 6 months. And she was definitely not prepared for my crying. Neither was I for that matter. At that moment I just felt so let down by my body which seems to be doing nothing right and was overwhelmed by the thought of having one more medical treatment to worry about. I gathered myself enough to slink out of there with some dignity, I think. I know she thinks I'm crazy, though. And I could tell she was telling the Dr. that in Russian. I just know it!

Tuesday...Day 2 ultrasound and blood work for cycle start. Get to the clinic only to find out that mail order pharmacy never sent me Repronex like they were supposed to. Do last minute emergency call to in-town pharmacy and pay for it out of pocket. Call to mail-order reveals that they basically just dropped the ball. Thanks guys. I needed an aneurysm to start off this cycle right. First injection! Not bad. The needle hurt not a bit going in though I was not prepared for how much it would sting pushing in the liquid. I believe I have the Repronex to blame for that. Current dosage is Gonal-F 225 iu and Repronex 75iu. This seems like a lot to me which suggests they think I won't respond well. But what do I know????

Wednesday....Mr.P's SA (which was supposed to be sperm sample to use as back-up at retrieval time) confirms my worst fears as again no moving sperm were found. Devastation and total melt down. Dr. wants him to come back in on Friday for another. They will repeat again on retrieval day and consider TESE the same day if nothing is found. I hold little to no hope they will find anything moving (only 1 out of 10 SAs with any motility are not good odds, my friends). Internet googling in the middle of the night reveals conflicting info on using testicular sperm for ICSI. Not looking good.

Thursday...somehow drag myself to work and feel there is less than 5% chance we will even make it to transfer. That teensy bit of hope is the only thing to keep me injecting myself.

Friday...Mr.P's follow-up SA at 10:00 am. I barely make 1:45 appt (trains delayed, requiring long, expensive car service ride from Brookl.yn to Man.hatt.an with me about to pull my hair out and on verge of tears) to meet very fetching Dr. to discuss options in more detail. Of course, we wait 45 minutes anyway meaning could have just gotten on the stupid delayed train and saved $40. Am barely conscious when Dr. N. excitedly announces that morning SA revealed 1% motility. I believe Mr. P. actually hooted while pumping arm in the air at the news. Woo hoo! Not expected, wonderful news! So we now have cryo back-up for retrieval day with some swimmers. Still prefer fresh swimmers and pray we get them day-of. We discussed Plan C (if no fresh swimmers and no swimmers survive thaw)--TESE which Dr. N. expressed some hesitation about, since chance of finding testicular swimmers might be likely if there are no ejaculated moving sperm on that day. They will not use non-motile testicular sperm either as success rates are low and rates of birth defect increased. Plan D also brought up---donor sperm. Mr. P. and I have not discussed in depth. Know we need to but don't know we are there yet. After all, this really is our first attempt or any kind at pregnancy.

I still have great fears that we will not make it to transfer. That no moving sperm will be available, whether not found in ejaculate or not make it through thaw or not found in TESE. Or that if found and used, that no fertilization will occur or that it won't make it Day 3 or 5 or 6. That's not even entertaining my others fears that I won't stimulate well enough or my eggs won't be of appropriate quality. But, as Mr. P. said, even small victories need to be celebrated. Tonight we will have dinner and toast our 1% motile spermies and leave it at that for now.

Somehow, in the midst of all this drama, we decided to have a holiday party tomorrow. Did I not mention that we are crazy? I am almost repulsed by the idea at this point but am going to force myself to go through it and hope that some of the holiday cheer rubs anyway. At the very least I will be so stressed by the fact that our apartment is in shambles, we haven't bought or decorated a thing and I have nothing to wear for said party, that I will distract myself from the rest of this craziness!

Happy weekend to all!