Procrastination Friday

I really have so much work to do and have no business blogging right now. I only got internet access at work four months ago and it will be my downfall. I really can't tear myself away. Even when deadlines are staring me in the face. Maybe my new sun-yellow De.ll laptop will save me, if it EVER gets here. Maybe I will have all "interneting" out of my system by the time I get to work if I can do it at home. HA!

Just realized that I left our lone car key at home so Mr. P. will not be able to move the car for street-cleaning. Means a bright orange $65 ticket will be awaiting me! woo hoo. AND I forgot to put deodorant on this morning. I already stink to the high heavens. Be thankful you are reading this from afar. Apologies to my co-workers. And even more apologies to those on either side of me on the elliptical at the gym this afternoon.

Meds are ordered. Should arrive tomorrow. Never thought I'd be so excited to see syringes arrive at my doorstep! I feel like it will make this all seem real. Today am feeling slightly more optimistic though FCB (fucking cynical bitch) was present in full force yesterday as I was convinced no moving sperm will be found, no eggs will fertilize and we will not make it to transfer. PLEASE let us at least make it to transfer. That is all I hope for at this point. At least that will mean that something will have fertilized and will indicate hope for the future even if nothing sticks. Forget feeling positive, I am fucking terrified.

Pet Peeve

OK, so I have a number of pet peeves. Most of them seem to revolve around other people's feelings of entitlement, their lack of consideration or awareness of the people around them. I suppose this one (one of my biggest) does sort of fall into this category. Here it is....ready? People who clip their fingernails on the subway or bus. For those people who don't live in large urban areas, you may not have encountered this (or maybe you have in other venues. If so please let me know. I am intrigued about possible variances of this freakish behavior) or maybe even among other urbanites I am the only lucky one to find myself frequently around people who do this. Happened again this morning on the train. Happens at least twice a month! Now, I don't generally consider myself an anal person. I am not a neat freak or squeamish about bodily functions. I am generally fairly tolerate of other's differences and preferences. But to me the idea of someone else's clippings flying (and we do know that they can fly) around a public subway car or bus is just simply repulsive. The clipping sound just seems to echo and even my i.P.od won't drown it out. It grates on every last nerve. I always look around to try and catch the eye of someone else who is repulsed but no one else ever seems bothered. Is this bizarre to anyone but me? Luckily, today it started right before my stop so I was able to make a quick escape. But I can't tell you how many other times I have almost been driven mad by it. A torture possibly equivalent to water boarding.

I am also peeving myself today in that I have somehow allowed overnight for that horrible monster named "Fear, Cynicism, and Doubt" (FCB) to creep in. Despite recent relative positivism about this upcoming cycle I am now seized with fear and am convinced that we will never make it to transfer. Number 1 fear of the day is that there will be no moving sperm and no way to identify the viable ones and therefore all will be for naught. Go away FCB (perhaps Fucking Cynical Bitch is a better descriptor for this acronym?)!

Here we go!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. I was on such a roll there for a while. So, this is what you've missed in the last 10 days. I did attend the mandatory injection class on Thursday the 15th. Following the class I met with the nurse who informed me that my RE has recommended me for the short protocol due to my large endometrioma and poor FSH and E2 results. OK, not the best news on the one hand though I was actually relieved because it means we can do the whole cycle starting when my my period arrives during the first week in December and finish before X-mas if all goes well. This will mean that at least one full cycle will be paid for. SO relieved! I've already gotten pre-approval by insurance company and just have to finalize ordering of meds. I can't believe this is happening so quickly! I am incredibly excited though now moments of intense panic that the cycle will be canceled due to poor response, surprise overstimulation, no live sperm, etc are creeping in. So far I have been somewhat successful at keeping these thoughts at bay.

In other news, now that I am not overcome with stress about this insurance thing...Had a really nice Thanksgiving at home with fam in Mary.land. All my siblings (and three dogs) were there. Did a whole lot of nothing. Watched tons of TV, especially T.LC, Dis.covery, etc which we don't have here in our basic cable package. Saw Baby.lab for the first. Anyone else seen this? No matter how much I've read and researched on IF, seeing these people's heartbreak when eggs were not good or embryos did not develop was just devastating. Duh, right? As if we don't know this. But somehow seeing it all unfold visually made it just that much more real, and more painful. I cried through the whole thing. It also helped those worried thoughts about my cycle creep in bit more. ugh. Saturday was my B-day. The big 3-0. Not sure really what to make of it. I'm not freaked out or crazy excited. Just not really sure I believe it I think. Or maybe I just don't know what it means. Clearly my body does not know what it means--my eggs think they are 4-0. Actually my hair does too (I have been slowly going grey since 13)! My mom invited family friends over to celebrate. A low-key ordeal much appreciated after a raucous night the previous weekend where the early celebration of my 30th with a couple of friends ended in me barfing up my calamari dinner on Mr. P. in the middle of the night. I would be perfectly happy not being able to drink for 10 months if I am so lucky! Best of all, especially for the purposes of this blog, my fam and Mr. P. pitched in to buy me a new laptop. A bright yellow De.ll. I just ordered it last night and unfortunately it won't be here for several weeks. It is much needed after my old one petered out several months ago. I have been dying without one ever since, resulting in WAY too much internet usage at work. Speaking of.....must get back to it!

The Drama Continues...

Yes, it is now 5:30 am. I have been awake since roughly 2 am after waking from a very short and restless sleep during which I dreamt (i double checked. this is considered a grammatically correct past tense of the word. Though 'dreamed' is also correct which sounds awkward and is therefore why i expected it to be the most correct) about all of the insurance drama that I have been stressing about for the past few days. For some reason the Backstreet Boys also made it into the dream--I think they were at the clinic for some sort of "hormone therapy" (ie, steroids) but which created a more effeminate bunch than they are (were?) in real life. Anywho, as my Grandma says....

Basically, my mind has been racing non-stop, keeping me from sleep and keeping me on the verge of what i suspect is some sort of panic attack. I took half an anti-anxiety pill (left over from long plane rides to Viet.nam this summer) at about 3 am. which usually knocks me out but this time did nothing. Mr. P. and I mulled over all the possible scenarios resulting from this insurance drama last night. Surprisingly, he seems less concerned about the possibility of us loosing out on $15,000 worth of insurance coverage if we don't or aren't able to do a cycle in December. I can't let go of the idea that I had such amazing coverage that i may never have gotten the chance to use. He feels that saving only a little bit of that sum (if the transfer/ retrieval would fall into January) is not worth screwing up our X-mas plans. But if there was some way to be close to sure that the entire cycle would make it into December and we would get everything covered then it would be worth it. If that can't happen we will just have to hold our breath and hope that this new insurance gives us some sort of coverage. Although the new cycle would start right around Jan 1 and if old insurance knows they won't be responsible for covering an IVF cycle in January they may not cover meds that I have to preorder for the Jan cycle in December. What a mess. I am sure that this is not making any sense. It barely makes sense to me. I decided I will still go to tomorrow's (today's actually) injection class and see if I can squeeze in a meeting with my doc in order to figure out what protocol he is considering for us and what, realistically, the timeline would be. Then we can maybe figure out if we will rush to do a December cycle. Have got to know soon so can get the rest of my prelim paperwork in order and leave enough time to order meds. Have I mentioned how much I hate my employer right now???!!

Now I am feeling sleepy. Figures, since it is almost too late to sleep now. Gotta get up early to call in "sick". Stupid injection class is from 10-1 and since it takes me an hour to and from work there is essentially no point in me going in. God, the guily feelings that arise from doing that!

The Latest

After freaking out most of the day yesterday I woke up deciding that I would put in the best possible effort toward squeezing in a December cycle. I just can’t let go of the thought of the thousands of dollars in treatment coverage that we could loose if I don’t. I explained the situation to a lovely receptionist this morning who somehow “made” space for me to fit into the injection class tomorrow. God bless her! The panic attacks have begun again, however, as I realized that if I start the cycle at the end of the first week in December the retrieval and transfer might not actually be until January so we’d be screwed anyway. I am figuring this upon my understanding that an agonist cycle is generally about 3-4 weeks from beginning of cycle to retrieval. Maybe my crap ovary might save me after all if it causes the doc to recommend an antagonist cycle which I believe would be shorter. As you can see, we are in such a rush now that I haven’t even gotten to meet with the doctor recently enough to know what plan of action he would suggest. Are my assumptions correct about approximate length of cycles? Any input would be great. I am not even going to think about how all this could impact X-mas plans. Obviously,
I desperately want this to happen no matter what but just wasn’t prepared for all this so soon. Just watch. After all this I will discover the new plan is just as good. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t complain then either (I know how lucky I am/could still be to get any coverage) though I could have done without the panic attacks! I swear, I am not usually so tightly-wound!

Continued...

...Spoke with the doc and got several questions answered. Not going to do anything about the cyst unless is to causing problems and leads to little response during the cycles. He didn't think i wanted another surgery now. You are correct, sir! Asked if he thought we could squeeze in a cycle in December. Said yes, but would need to sign up for injection class right away as they fill quickly and are required to do cycle. Classes are booked until December 13th. Won't be able to do a cycle in December. That could cost us tens of thousands of dollars. God, I hate my employer right now. If only they had told us this a bit sooner. I'm gunna cry again.

More to Report

I realize that at this point I am only talking to myself as I have no readers as of yet. Nonetheless, I feel the need to write again only a few hours after my first post for a bit of catharsis. Guess this blogging has already done me good if I can write and feel productive in addition to crying! The last post which I started several weeks ago needs a few additions.

Last week I went in for some of my prelim blood work, Day 2 FSH and E2. I was actually excited to feel like we were getting the ball moving on a first cycle. Now, I have been painfully aware of how endometriosis can screw with your fertility and I have done my fair share of worrying about that over the years. Within the last year, however, I have chosen to think that my issues aren't really ones to focus on. I mean, NO moving sperm is much more of a definite challenge than some potentially harmful endo lesions. Besides, I've been feeling healthy, manage my symptoms pretty well though nutrition and exercise, etc. Bottom line, I refused to entertain (or was perhaps too afraid to think about) the idea that my body would cause anymore problems. I felt good! Much to my surprise my Day 2 blood work did not come out all that great. My FSH was elevated to 11.6 and my E2 was 86. Now I realize that this is not to worst it could be. At some clinics, though luckily not mine, an FSH like this would make me ineligible for IVF. But I was not counting on these numbers being so high. I've got 10 days left in my 20's and assumed that my eggs would be quality. I was prepared for endo to cause a few glitches but not this. WTF! I mean, my mother had four children easily and did not go through menopause until a year or two ago. I've got good genes, I swear! I know I have to test again but I must say I am not super positive.

Fast forward to yesterday. Took the day off to cram in a bunch of appts, first starting with the wonderful gyn who did my last lap. Did a pap and other required blood work. He noted my left ovary looked small but said nothing else. In the afternoon, I headed to the IF clinic to do more blood work and have prelim SHG test (not to be confused with the apparently more painful HSG. Though this test wasn't a picnic either!). Ute, thank god, looked good! however, she noted that the left ovary appeared to have large cyst on it. Not sure if it's functional ovary or endometrioma. Again, WTF! I have had no pain on my left side and at both my previous laps my ovaries have been the one thing that looked good. My god, what it my body doing. Not sure whether this will endanger Jan's cycle. Don't know if this could have affected my Day 2 levels. Not sure what is going on! How is it that i always have 8000 questions that I should have asked as soon as i get out of the elevator. Argh.

Finally, this morning I get an email that our organization will no longer be offering my killer-kick-ass health insurance that would cover IVF-ICSI. Not sure what this change will mean but since they changed plans in order to save money I am thinking that there is little chance of them voluntarily adding IVF coverage. I already had a crying fit this morning in response as i felt like this was the only area of this whole bloody process where we were lucky and where we didn't have to worry. I am crossing my fingers that I am wrong in fearing the worst. Will know sometime next week probably.

Thanks to me for listening to me. Gosh, i hope i have some readers soon. It's lonely here talking to myself.