Uh...what???

I was flabbergasted when I saw that my last post was dated 2/25! How can that be? Now, admittedly I have been terrible at any sort of communication over the last few months both over email and by phone even with close pals and fam. But nonetheless, I feel wretched that it's been almost too months since a post. Probably doesn't seem quite that long since I have been keeping up with reading others’ blogs and even commenting some. My lack of emotional and physical energy seems at least in part to blame for my despondency about writing about my own life. Warning….LONG post ahead……

-The huge sigh of relief after our CVS results has generally continued as things with this preggo have been generally progressing well. My morning sickness officially abated around 14 weeks only to be replaced by killer migraines, sometimes as many as 3 a week which left me paralyzed for sometimes a whole day. I don't want to jinx it by speaking the words but things seem to have been a bit better over the last two weeks.

-We had our fetal echocardiogram at 15 weeks which looked great. No problems that could be detected though we were recommended to have a follow-up at 20 when things will be a bit bigger and easier to see. Will spare you the details of retardo tech who gave us an unnecessary scare before the doctor arrived when she made no comments on what she was seeing before whispering to the observing resident about paging the doctor. She then had the nerve to snap at us when we dared to ask if there was a problem, “NO! There is NO problem”, with such condescension. Bitch.

-18 week anatomy scan last week also went brilliantly. Everything looked as it should on both babies and they are measuring right in the 50th percentile. Couldn't tell you how happy I am for something to be so totally and completely "average"!

-Start going in every two weeks for cervix checks starting next week. Mine was gorgeous and long at last check but this is just part of the routine monitoring they do for multiples at this clinic.

-Generally I have been feeling pretty well physically. LOVED those couple of weeks in the beginning of 2nd trimester (sans migraines of course) when I had loads of energy and was feeling groovy. Last week the overall exhaustion seemed to start again and this morning I woke to some sciatic-like pains in my lower back. Definitely starting to feel a bit big and slow which scares me since I plan to stay pregnant for many more weeks! I am happy to be showing now and not just fat. Definitely had some difficulty handling the weight gain and body image stuff around 13 weeks though I am ashamed to admit it. Still comes and goes a bit though the guilt that I have about complaining about it is extreme so generally I am able to stuff it away. Probably gained close to 20 lbs at this point which I guess is right on track for most twin pregnancies. Still a little hard to see the scale up so high though. I think I have gained more than half of it in my boobs. No joke. And in my case that's not a good thing cause I had enough before hand. And now they are simply unmanageable. They seem to think they are in competition with my stomach to be the largest thing on my front side. Well, they'd better let go of that dream real soon or I am in definite danger of becoming one gigantic boob. And I don’t know how one would find a bra to fit that!

- I have been waiting not-so-patiently for these girls (that's right! We've got two girls in there! Am appalled that I haven't even mentioned THAT yet. I don't need to tell you we are thrilled) to start moving. I notice every tiny little twinge in my belly thinking that maybe that was the one. But definitely nothing to completely convince me that movement is what I am feeling and not just the big bean burrito I had for lunch. I've had non-pregnant digestional dancing that was MUCH more significant than anything I have felt. Not really worried about things just ready for them to start rocking in there!


-Emotionally things have been a little rough. Not directly related to the pregnancy, mind you. We know that are lives are inevitably going to change (god willing) come August or September. However, we are also faced with hoards of other changes possibly occurring at the same time that I am just not sure I am able to handle. Mr. P. is graduating from busin. school in May and has been looking desperately for a job. It is certainly not that he can't get a job but he happens to be pursuing a specific avenue that is difficult to get into and does not actively recruit or even advertise open positions. Instead, making your way into this particular niche happens due to hardcore networking and just being in the right place at the right time. He’s got some decent leads now, a few out west and a couple in the Mid-Atlantic. And NOTHING in NY.C. It’s not that he wants to leave the city but there is just nothing that seems to be opening up around here at the moment. I have known for a while that we may be put in this position but I am not handling it well. I don’t want to leave. I am terrified of starting over in a new place at almost exactly the same time that I have two new babies (fingers crossed). I’ve done the whole starting over in a new place thing and, while exciting, it was harder than I thought. And that was while single. I am terrified of waking up one day just a few months from now and not having a single thing in my life that is familiar, not even my grocery store or my dentist or the junkie on the corner. And to have no friends, no job, and possibly no family close by while trying to manage this massive life change sounds like a recipe for a Major Depressive disaster. The other part of my displeasure with this idea is just the fact that I love where we live right now. I love the city. I love my neighborhood and that I know and recognize people in it. I love our park and our dog run and, again, that junkie who lives on the corner. I will be desperately sad if and when we have to leave. Though the reality is that, even if we stay in the city we likely will have to move anyway. We have no room for two babies unless we rig up some sort of bunk bed bassinets in the bedroom closet!

The not knowing thing is perhaps making me the most anxious of all since this is supposed to be a time of planning and nesting and I can’t even tell you what in what hospital or in what city I will be giving birth! Time is quickly ticking by and I am slowly loosing my mind with so much uncertainty. And I am not even a planner! (Notice, I have made no mention of my concerns about the possibility of bedrest or some other potential medical complication being thrown into the mix. A good case of denial is keeping me from going there lest I be institutionalized by the end of the week!)

Please don’t let my craziness fool you. I am genuinely enjoying this pregnancy and thank my lucky stars everyday that we are where we are. I still don’t know how we lucked out because it seems like the odds were utterly stacked against us. We had no usable sperm a week and half before retrieval, remember. I know that hope can run thin in these parts but it does live and we are proof. Am also sending lots over to those still in the trenches. Am always thinking about you.

A fabulous weekend to everyone!

Breathing Again...

You may have heard my sigh of relief however faraway you are. Got the call yesterday afternoon that both babies preliminarily tested negative for chromosomal problems. We are not out of the woods. We will have to be carefully monitored to make sure that the early increased nuchal was not due to birth defects like a heart abnormality, etc. But even that worry can not take away from the incredible sense of relief and renewed excitement I have about this pregnancy. Bring on the nausea (which, btw, has reappeared), bring on the weight gain, bring on the headaches. I will embrace it all for these babies to be healthy. I know we would have gotten through different results. I know that we would have loved them no matter their condition (we already do). But to know that these kids stand a good chance of beginning life without tremendous hardship is a true blessing.

We did, btw, find out the sexes of the babies, something that I swore I would never do ahead of time if I got pregnant. Mr. P. was adamant about finding out which kind of surprised me. The news that we were expecting twins kind of changed that for me. Why, I don't know. Something about planning was the reason I gave though I am certainly not one for all these gender specific baby items. This little scare, however, really cemented my need to know. I already feel connected to these little ones in a way I didn't expect to so early on. To have our dreams of what the lives of these children might be like suddenly threatened made my need to bond with and get to know them individually imperative, something which seemed a bit harder to do without the knowledge of their sexes. That being said.....I am going to leave you in suspense just a bit longer...

You may have noticed that I added a few things to brighten up my blog. The first is my favorite work by Pi.casso, one that to me represents the brilliant co-mingling of motherhood, nurturance and creativity, ideas that are not mutually exclusive in my book. Two, I finally added a ticker. Initially I delayed out of superstition and was on the verge of putting it up just before our little "scare" last week. Out of celebration and relief I am adding it now with a fair amount of confidence that things will progress as planned. Though the baby.strology ticker is my favorite, the frequency with which it malfunctions when their site is down is slightly annoying.

Have lots of work to get to now that I am capable of thinking and breathing again. Many thanks again for your thoughts, support and advice!

Glimmer of Hope?

First, I would like to give many thanks to all of you for your wonderful words of support and advice. I have taken it all to heart and it's so relieving to know that there is always a place where I will feel encouraged and held up. I will definitely be following up on some of the suggestions and info people have provided.

Yesterday was interesting. The CVS wasn't terrible though was a bit more painful and uncomfortable than I was hoping. Both babies were tested since they would want to test the second baby anyway if the results for Baby B are positive as it would increase the chance of the second twin having issues. Because of the position of the placentas one was performed transabdominally (ouch and unpleasant having large needle pushed through and jabbed around) and the other transcervically (more like a slightly uncomfortable pap or when they threaded the catheter through at ivf transfer). I knew I was in good hands as I am being seen at one of the best MFM departments in the country but felt even better when the resident assisting the procedure informed us that the doc in charge is one of the best and most experienced cvs docs in the country and maybe even the world! whew...

Now, to the best news of the day... during the initial scan to check the placement of the placentas the tech checked the nuchal of our precious Baby B. Since Tuesday it had decreased to between 2.5 and 2.7mm. I had been secretly hoping and praying this might happen (though having no idea if this was likely or even possible) but kept it to myself for fear of the universe laughing at me for holding onto some ridiculously small bit of hope. We are definitely not out of the woods since the fact that it was raised at all raises the risks. But this decrease bodes much better for the outcome according to the tech and the doc. The tech explained that it could just mean that that Baby B's lymphatic system is behind a little developmentally and is now catching up filtering out the fluid. I also made them look and see if they could detect any sort of nasal bone at this stage and, though definitely still an uncertain science, both tech and doc found something that they agreed looked like a nasal bone. As Mr. P. pointed out, if we had come in for the originally scheduled nuchal scan screening today the measurements may have been completely in the normal range and we might have avoided this altogether. Ah, the joys of technology and being over-informed! Might we sometimes be better without it?

I am definitely feeling some relief though don't want to let my guard down until we know something good for sure. We should get the preliminary results on Monday afternoon. As others mentioned, we know that it things come back negative we will still be followed closely as increased nuchal folds can be signs of other things not detectable by CVS (ie, birth defects, genetic problems, etc).

How incredibly exhausting this has been. I took the day off of work today, not because I really needed to but just because I needed a bit of down time to recoup and breathe. As it turned out, I picked a good day as we have finally gotten our first decent snowfall of the season in the N.YC area, something I have been waiting for not-so-patiently. Generally, I don't really know that I believe in signs from the universe or God or whatever but today I am choosing to think of this snow as a little gift of peace and tranquility, something to help soothe and temper my remaining fear and uncertainty. It couldn't have come at a better time.

If there has been one good thing to come out of this mess it's been that I feel much more connected to my little ones (though I assume this would have happened anyway so I am not THAT grateful for what I hope is just a senseless scare). They are no longer just these little bugs floating around in there but my living, growing little children who I adore already and worry about ceaselessly.

Thanks again to all of you for your words of support. No matter what the final results it is fabulous to know that there is a community out there ready to embrace you.

Blindsided

I'm not even really sure where to begin. First, my worry about my sudden lack of symptoms was for naught (if I only knew what I should really be worrying about). Last week's ultrasound was highly reassuring as we saw both beans jumping about at 10w2d. I hit a wall soon after when I came down with a horrible head cold just before I was to jump on a plane to Aus.tin to visit with wonderful college girlfriends. Aside from killer ear pain on the plane, an asthma attack caused by dear friend's cat for which I could take no medicine and resulted in me staying in a hotel, the weekend was great. I had a bit of brown spotting/discharge on Saturday which scared me a bit but quickly went away.

The story changes a bit as I decided to go into doctor "just in case" after said spotting turned up again yesterday morning. Ultrasound again yielded jumping beans looking great and measuring right on target. I was psyched that the tech was indulging me a bit more by spending some time checking out each one closely. Until I noticed she was measured the nuchal fold of Baby B. I was supposed to have the first trimester screening on Friday so I began to get a bit nervous when she lingered there, sizing it up. It became obvious even to my untrained eye that something was wrong, that the space was much larger that than of Baby A. I kept it together until she had the doc overseeing ultrasounds that day come in and confirm that Baby B does have a NT measurement of 3.5mm, falling definitely above the normal cut-off of 3mm. I immediately lost it and barely composed myself enough to meet with my doctor who suggested aCVS even without the bloods. She arranged for me to meet the genetic counselor that afternoon which Mr. P. and I nervously did. She basically said this baby's chance of having a chromosomal problem (like Downs, or Trisomy 13 or 18) is is as high as 20% with another 10% chance of other defects or genetic problems. While she kept reminding us that that's still 70% chance of a healthy baby I am not reassured. 1:5 are not good odds. I am devastated. I am scheduled to have a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) tomorrow. We decided that even though we probably wouldn't choose to end the pregnancy we just couldn't wait not knowing anything. I am choosing to put the small risk associated with the procedure out of my mind at this point. I can't deal with additional worrying. My face is swollen from crying. I'm exhausted and can't concentrate on anything. I don't know how I will function at all if the results come back positive. I am at work but only to keep myself out of the house. I really haven't been able to accomplish anything.

I have worried about a lot since the beginning of the process, most of which I considered to be legitimate, reasonable concerns. This didn't even register on my radar. The chances were so small, so remote. I feel blindsided. And alone. And confused. In just a matter of minutes I went from total joy to complete despair and disinterest in my small but growing belly. I don't want to look at maternity clothes or buy books or even eat, though I am making myself do the latter. If anyone has had an experience like this or knows anyone who has and has any info or advice to share it would be much appreciated. I'll be honest, I'm really looking for those "happy ending" stories though I know I also need to prepare myself for other possibilities so I guess I should be open to those too.

9 weeks 3 days and losing my mind?

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Actually, I shouldn't feign such surprise. I'm very much aware that it's been a long time since I've updated here. I've been quiet and lurking but not felt much like posting anything remotely positive in light of some of the incredibly painful loss in the blogging world recently. I know there has always been pain and loss in the IF world but it feels especially cruel and unforgiving right now.

Maybe it feels a bit easier to post today since I am not feeling so positive. In fact, I am barely keeping myself from being completely devoured by total paranoia and terror. We had our last scan with the IF clinic last Wednesday. Everything looked great. Both "gummy bears" (the doc's words not our ours) were measuring right on track at 8w3d and we saw and heard strong heartbeats for both. I was told I could stop my progesterone when the prescription ran out in a few days (seemed a bit early but what do I know) and we were officially released from the clinic to regular, albeit high risk, OB care.

Sounds perfect, right? Yet, my intense nausea (which never led to much actual puking but lots of dry-heaving over the toilet and once over a trashcan on 32nd.st) suddenly faded on Friday and has not returned a lick since. My boobs aren't sore or swollen anymore and even my stomach does not look as big (not just my imagination either since pants that were uncomfortable last week fit a bit better this week). I am trying to tell myself that this is normal, just fluctuations in hormone levels, etc but I just can't escape the fact that I don't feel pregnant at all anymore. And for the second day I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin due to this anxiety which seems to be carrying me further and further towards a total nervous breakdown. Guess I can't brag anymore about how sane I've been staying throughout these tenuous first couple of months. Mr. P. is doing his best to keep me centered and tells me everything is fine. But really, what the hell does he know?

We see our new OB on Tuesday which I know I should be grateful for but which currently seems about a century away.

Anyone had their symptoms fade early only to go on to have a successful outcome? I need some sort of reality check to keep me from going off the deep end. I'm already waist deep!

Double Trouble

That's right. We've got two in there!

Yesterday's scan was great. We saw two sacs, each with a tadpole-like thingy. Both were measuring exactly the same at exactly where they should be for about 6 weeks. Best of all, we saw heartbeats for both.

I still can't remark on anything related to my current "state" without the qualifier, "It's still early and who knows what could happen...." However, to know that something is right on track at this point gives me massive (though momentary, I'm sure) relief. Our next scan is on the 30th to check and make sure things continue to be on track. I believe that we will graduate to a plain ole OB after that. Can you imagine?!

I am still waiting for the panic to set in. It hasn't yet. At least not in the way that I thought it would when I've thought of 'two' before. I feel as Mr. P. does, that it feels as if all of this is
happening to some other couple. Definitely not us. I don't think he took a breath through the whole ultrasound. He swore up and down that he wasn't panicking but I didn't really believe him when I looked up and his face was pale and he looked kinda sweaty. But I also know that he was on the verge of tears, and not out of panic but out of shear joy.

Holy crap! Twin heartbeats!

I know it's still early but....I am incredibly thankful and in total amazement. I never thought we'd get this far. And we might just get further!

I attempted to post the ultrasound pic but Mr. P. scanned it completely crooked and I have no program on this computer to correct it. Not that it's super interesting. Just some blurry looking sacs but incredibly amazing to us. Will attempt again later.

Off to the ballet tonight! Has been forever since I've done anything classic NYC like that. Can't wait!

Quiet

I've been quiet for a while. Been reading lots of blogs, commenting some but having a really hard time writing anything. Not that I've been doing a great job of that anyway. I've really done a sucky job with this blog thing after all sorts of high expectations for myself about being witty and thoughtful and appropriately provocative. But I've been none of that. And can't figure out why. I have enjoyed many such exchanges with friends over emails and phone calls over the years, gotten good "reviews" about being clever, funny, interesting, etc. Yet I can't seem to get any of that out here. Sometimes I do develop such posts in my head while walking home from work but just seem to peter out by the time I sit in front of my computer. Is it because I'm drained from loads of writing I have to spew out each day? Is my creativity just shot? Eh. I don't know. I will try better though I am too old (and too wise?) to beat myself up too much over not being at the top of my game all the time. Afterall, this platform is supposed to be at least mildly therapeutic, right?

Back to the quiet. I feel like I am in a really strange state of suspension where I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, what's supposed to be happening, what I'm supposed to be thinking, etc. I feel different. But I don't. I have moments when my body tells me something's going on. A bit of nausea, a bit of boob soreness. And then nothing. Then I'm reduced to moments of sheer panic that this is all a dream, or about to turn into a nightmare. For someone who has a body that has always sent out all kinds of signs when things are wrong (endo aches, pains, twinges) I am getting a whole bunch of nothing when things are (i guess?) supposedly going right. Incredibly confusing. It is causing me to retreat into quiet. And just wait. And listen and just hold my breath. I want to tell everyone the good news but feel like just saying the words will jinx the whole thing. Monday is our first scan. Maybe I will feel some relief or at least something different after?

So, yes, I've had but a few symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, some scattered cramps, and (within the last two days) a bit of mild and sporadic nausea. But that's all I have to show for my apparently P-self. See, can't even say the actual word.

Lest you be mistaken, the excitement and appreciation for my "condition" is there. It's just hidden under all of the fear, uncertainty, disbelief, etc. Occasionally I do let it out with a momentary, and incredibly nerdy, 15 second happy jig......Hopefully more of these to come.

Up We Go!

Betas

12/31--624
1/2--1603

Here's hoping that they keep going up up up like this! That's a doubling time of 35.26 hours, I think.
Not too shabby.

HOly crap. I think I'm still in shock.

Yes, I realize that these numbers are high and that I might be at the gate of Twin Land?

Gulp. Gulp.


First scan is scheduled for Monday, 1/14. I could have scheduled it next week since my levels are over 1000 (my clinic stops the regular betas after reaching this level) but Mr. P. will be out of town. At least by then I might be able to hear a heartbeat(s)? If I don't die from paranoia and anticipation first. The paranoia is gunna be the first to get me, I know it.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and congratulations, especially since I know some of you have not been as lucky this time around. I know how hard it is to blow sunshine and happiness when all you want to do in head back under the covers and scream that "it should be me!". It should be. I have spent many hours under those covers and genuinely appreciate the strength gathered to send your happiness.

HaPPPy New Year

Beta=600-something!! (i barely heard anything beyond the six hundred...)

Holy shit.

We are, for this moment anyway, pregnant!!!

I must admit that on Thursday I did POAS and did get a strong positive though I still was
in denial and paranoid until today. OK, definitely still in Denial Land a bit but at least I know the positive is not due to faulty stick or inadequate peeing techniques.

Go back on tomorrow for next beta.

It know it is still incredibly early and lot could still happen but we have gotten farther than I ever though we would which gives me hope. With my joy comes great guilt that we have been lucky thus far in our first IVF when many who have tried and struggled for so long are still fighting the good fight. I wish for the New Year that for so many of you who deserve it perhaps more than I to also be in this place and for us to all have a fertile journey together in 2008.

Beta Day

Today’s the big day! Got up ass early to make it to the clinic for my test. I should hear between 3 and 4 today. Am feeling pretty hopeful (yes, I am shocking my paranoid self by feeling this way) about this. For the last three or four days I have been having quite a few symptoms of sorts, starting with a saucy dream on Thursday night which almost resulted in the big “O”. Somehow the lucid bit of my brain intervened to put a stop to it, reminding me that I am not supposed to have one of those during the 2ww! At that point I woke up to realize I was having intense burning cramps in my uterus of a somewhat different nature than A.F. Must have been the cause of all that, ahem…stimulation down there. I felt the urge to eat something immediately which, of course, I did. I could not sleep the rest of the night due to the discomfort. Not sure if from the cramps or the load of food I’d just cramped down my gullet. The following couple of days brought on a few bouts of the same in addition to some crazy abdominal distention (which made me look about 6 months pregnant and kept me from being able to button my pants) and lots of pain which lead to another couple of sleepless nights. A call to a clinic nurse two nights ago confirmed what I suspected….A mild case of OHSS. The good news there is, she explained with cautious optimism, that delayed cases of this are often brought on by increased hormones of pregnancy. Here’s hoping! I have been trying to lay low, drink electrolyte-filled liquids (finally switched to Sm.art. Water after not being able to stomach all the sugar in Vit.a.min Water). It seems to be helping somewhat. The mornings are much better than the evenings when I have lots of discomfort and have a balloon stomach. I am pretty much out of tunic shirts that will hide this sham bump. How sad. I’ve always wanted a big round bump but not like this. Such a farce. Or maybe not.........

The significance of the beta happening on the last day of 2007 is not lost on me though I feel that I should hold off on pontificating about it until the results are in. Until then, loads of work sit in front of me to keep me busy and keep my dreamy head reigned in and close to earth.

5dp5dt

The 'Bros (Bad pic quality due to crap scanner NOT to bad 'bro quality. Hooray!)


That's right. Despite my crazy neurotic fears we did make it to a Day 5 transfer! Things got a little nuts with packing for our trip to the in-laws outside Bost.on which is why I didn't post sooner. They put back two "beautiful, textbook" (dr's words) blastocysts. There were two more, though the quality was not quite as good. 3 more had not yet made it to blastocyst stage but they were going to try to grow them in the lab in order to freeze. Just heard today that two of them (not sure from which bunch) were good enough to freeze. Praying that we won't have to use them this time around but would (slightly?) lessen the heartbreak of a BFN. We had a brief discussion with the doc on how many to transfer, toying with the idea of only putting back one. Kind of a crazy decision to make somewhat suddenly. I hadn't even thought about the single embryo transfer option until the night before. We decided just to go ahead and put back two in the end. I think both of us would definitely panic initially if there were two in there but certainly wouldn't send them back ;) and I just can't help feeling like putting one back would definitely lessen our chances of a positive outcome despite evidence to the contrary. My twin panic comes during moments of positivity when I'm SURE this thing is going to work (like on day of and day after transfer). On down days when I am SURE this cycle's a bust I would welcome a litter growing in there. I go back in on Dec 31 for my blood pregnancy test.

It's really been great that part of the 2ww has been over the Christmas holiday. We left for the in-laws on Saturday and have been immersed in distracting family visits and festivities for days. Strangely, the surprise presence of our sweet, precious 8 month old nephew did not bring on the bitter, ugly feelings. Not sure if it is his pure sweetness or the fact that I was feeling so positive about our own cycle that kept them at bay. At times, I actually managed to forget about my "'bros" hopefully hunkering down in there. During quiet, down times, however, I have been looking closely for any hint of a symptom and becoming increasingly more negative despite the "rational" part of my brain trying desperately to remind me that it is still early. I did have some mild cramping the first day or two post transfer but not much else that seemed too significant. Did have some very vivid dreams while we were away though could have just been that I slept like a log in nice quiet suburbia (no all-night cabs honking or drunkards shrieking outside my window like i'm used to). Boobs seemed to have been getting less sore and not more. Last night felt under the weather though in more of a "getting a cold" kind of way. I did feel really warm yesterday in a house that is ALWAYS unbearably cold. Could be due to feeling under the weather. Or are all these signs of something else? Ugh. Give me some definitive sign, would ya universe?

I woke up in such a crap mood this morning, feeling very negative about my lack of symptoms and the prospect of sitting on a 5 hour bus ride home. However, maybe the universe is throwing me a sign? I began to have mild cramps on the bus ride home, followed by more intense ones this evening, with little bits of queasiness (not full blown nausea) here and there. I never have PRE-menstrual cramps, always during A.F. so I am assuming this is not just me gearing up for my period. Within the past few hours I have been having little twinges in my abdomen and on the sides of my lower back. In addition, my temp is raised to 98.6 (my regular body temp is 97.5) which I think may be a good sign and hopefully not just more evidence that I just have a cold.

For the first time I have been toying with the idea of POAS in the next few days. 5dp5dt definitely seems too early, right? I did not think I would really be tempted. Maybe because I've never had a history with HPTs since this is our first real stab at the pregnancy thing. But now I'm reconsidering somewhat. If I continue to have these "symptoms" of the last 12 hours over the next day or two and am feeling positive I might do it, hoping for the chance to at least feign being a "fertile" and maybe stare at two pink lines. But part of me would also just like to wait for the real thing and have butterflies in my stomach as I wait for the phone call with "Congratulations Ms. P...." This is the , of course, my cinder.ella ending. Since I am in a moment of optimism I am not entertaining the alternate one.

Have lots of blog reading and catching up to do. Hope all had wonderful holidays!

5 Day Transfer It Is!

So that was the good piece of news that I got this morning. The doc I spoke with reported that they felt there were enough good quality (8-10 cell) embryos to push me off to a Day 5 transfer, initially alleviating much of the worry I knew I would have if they told me to come in today. It is nice to know sometimes that the universe has it's own plan that is (shockingly!) not influenced by your own neurotic and negative thoughts and proceeds ahead independently. A novel idea, I know! My negative thoughts just seem to carry so much weight in my puny little head that I sometimes I forget that I can't control the outcome of world events just by worrying about them. It's good to be put back in my place! When I was little I used to have this paranoid fear that if I stared at a plane in the air that I would make it crash to the ground just by looking at it. You can see the root of my neuroses....

That was my brief bit of optimism for this morning. It lasted all of about an hour. Apparently, optimism and grand revelations about the universe are NOT, after all, as powerful as the evil little man in my head. Who knew? My worries evolve just as quickly as each little bit of information we receive. Ready for this second's bit of fear????? That our overachieving little embryos will suddenly stop growing between now and Friday as I know that this is the time that the sperm DNA really kicks in and could result in the sudden arrest our little buddies. Since sperm issues have been our greatest challenge up until this point I feel like this fear is justified and not that unreasonable. I also realize that many people out there would give anything to get this far so I feel guilt that I am not just basking in my current luck! I wish I could spread it to all!

Getting Real

10 eggs out of 15 fertilized! Won't know until Wednesday morning (Day 3) if will go ahead and do transfer that day or Friday. They will only push til Friday if there are around 7 good quality embryos left on Day 3. I am still in shock that we made it this far, that at this very moment Mr. P's and my DNA is mixing together in incubators somewhere uptown. I can't believe we've made it this far! My shock and glee over this fertilization report makes me realize how much I doubted we would ever make it to fertilization. I know that we have very far to go before we can even think about bringing home a baby. But that my eggs and his sperm, as screwed up as they are, still have the capacity to make an embryo is just beyond me. We've overcome what I considered our biggest obstacles...the rest seems like a breeze. I'm scaring myself a bit at the moment with my unabashed optimism. I almost feel like I need to go Go.ogle something scary and bad about what could keep them all from growing further, or problems with implantation, just to feel like myself again. But am SO trying to resist that urge and remain on this high for as long as possible. It feels so good!

Fertile Thoughts

I really don’t understand where the time is going. I had every intention of posting on Wednesday when fab new laptop came. It is, btw, FABULOUS . And now suddenly it’s Sunday and I couldn’t even tell you where the rest of the days went. Thursday I went in for another monitoring appt. Follicles had grown but not enough and I was told to come back the next morning after another night of meds. I was sure that on Friday they were going to tell me to trigger that night. But lo and behold that was not the case. I had a couple over 20mm but most were lagging and the Dr. thought another day would be beneficial even though he knew I would not be super happy about it. I counted around 10, though since many were small I was feeling quite pessimistic . I was also annoyed that the delay in triggering meant I would have to come back in on Saturday early for another monitoring and would not be able to sleep in, something that I have been desperately needing to do for the last two weeks. Plus, delaying another day likely meant a Monday retrieval, requiring a day off of work on a very busy day. Plans changed again that afternoon when Dr. called to tell me he wanted me to trigger after all on Friday as my blood work revealed a drop in E2, indicating my body was ready to get those eggies out. Any change in plan has made me nervous and my head immediately turned to worse case scenarios---eggs would be over-cooked or not mature enough, drop in E2 could mean I ovulated too early, etc. No medical evidence to back this up of course just my head going to all those bad places. It’s good at that.

The trigger shot wasn’t bad at all though I was nervous in a way that I wasn’t with the others. It’s just so big! But it slipped right in (unlike the completely dull Gan.i.re.lix injections which comically bounced off my stomach numerous times after trying to jab them in roughly). Some muscle tightness in my bum was my only side effect that night.

Saturday brought my wonderful friends from my old job in D.C. into town. The kind of friends that are so comfortable and supportive and with whom you settle back into to easy conversation and connection so quickly, as if you’ve never been apart. One of them is pregnant, about 23 weeks. Another has two kids and the other is single. There was a lot of talk about pregnancy, babies and kids. But I realized, a few hours into their visit, that I felt none of the usual twinges of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, that I feel around others who chat about these things. Beyond that two of them have experiences of losses themselves and understand some of the difficulties and challenges of infertility--four miscarriages between them--they are just generally and naturally some of the most supportive and giving people I know. My single friend knitted me some very colorful “fertile thoughts” mittens which she instructed me to rub on my belly. I did. They were sending so much freaking positive fertile energy my way that it was ridiculous, and strangely not annoying. And even, dare I say it, believable. I left dinner last night feeling more positive (and strangely fertile) than I have in weeks. Nuts? Maybe. But I’ll take it.

Some of that energy must have transmitted properly. This morning 15 eggs were retrieved! Woohoo! This was great news and far more than expected given there had only ever been 10 or fewer follicles, many of which appeared small. Maybe there were multiple eggs per follicle? I don’t know how many were mature but I am definitely pleased with the numbers. I felt incredible sadness, however, when I heard the nurse tell the woman next to me in recovery that they had only gotten four eggs of which two were mature from her. I wanted to reach out to her but also didn’t what to pry. The disappointment and sadness in her voice was palpable and hard for me not to respond to. I tried to send some good thoughts and energy I had received her way. I will keep on doing so and pray that it works for her

…Perhaps even better news for us was that Mr. P. was not called back in after the first sample to give another one which we presume meant that there were some moving sperm to work with from the fresh sample. I will be waiting anxiously for the fertilization report tomorrow. I still am fearful that nothing might fertilize though the nurse assured me that this was rare. Transfer will be either Wednesday or Friday.

I am feeling a bit more bloated, tender and in pain than I expected. Not something that I can’t handle (these symptoms are not all that dissimilar from endo symptoms I have dealt with for ages) but part of me worries if I am supposed to feel this way. It is painful to get up, walk at all or go to the bathroom. Anyone else felt like this following retrieval? I’d better feel better tomorrow since I am planning on going to work no matter what. Can not afford to miss two days of work this week. Also, I weighed myself yesterday for the first time in a week and had gained almost four pounds. A definite surprise to me since I had not been feeling particularly large and bloated until after the hcg trigger. Am hoping it’s all water weight. Am afraid to weigh myself again now. Ugh. Oh, and my boobs are boulders plummeting to the ground.
unbelievably sore. When I took off my bra this afternoon they felt like boulders plummeting to earth. Ouch!


Will post fertilization results tomorrow. Wish us luck!

The pre-2 ww?

Ugh. It's really been killing me that I've had no internet access. Access is still down at work and the only reason I'm on now is because I came to a different site to do paperwork. Good news is that new sunny yellow laptop is waiting for me at D.HL which I will head over to in about an hour. I will be able to post and comment with much more frequency! Waiting for it has been a great distraction from the waiting I've been doing for this retrieval to happen. I know, I know. I've only been injecting a little more than a week now but time seems to have slowed for a crawl. What on earth will I do during the real 2ww, praying we make it that far? I go back tomorrow morning for more monitoring. I am guessing that I have a few more days of that though I am anxious to at least know when retrieval will be. Am really hoping it won't be Saturday as I have friends coming into town this weekend. They are very understanding and supportive but I feel bad "messing" up a weekend that has been planned for months. Am feeling a bit more optimistic after last Friday's appt with the doc. I feel like it could go either way though again I am mostly hoping we just have something to transfer. Even if it doesn't stick I'll at least know we have the ability to fertilize.

Thanks to Trace for her comments on my mention of donor sperm. I have been thinking about it a lot and will definitely turn to you for advice, thoughts and support if that's the direction we turn. Mr. P. and I need to have a conversation about it tonight. I have a number of thoughts on it now but will wait to post them later after our talk tonight and hopefully on my shiny new computer.

Our party on Saturday went off pretty well though we were both exhausted after running around all day in preparation. I tried to slip quietly away to do my injection in the bedroom but got caught by one of Mr.P's friends who saw my syringes sitting on the counter. I danced my way around his questions briefly before just not being able to hide the real purpose of them any longer and whispering "we're trying to have a baby and this is our only way it might happen for us!" I have been pleasantly surprised by the reactions I have gotten from most people that I tell about our plans. In particular men have had the coolest reactions, like this friend who looked excited and expressed genuine curiosity about the process and asked lots of questions including "so...Mr.P's "stuff" is in their (pointing to syringe) and you inject it into yourself to make the baby??". He realized how ridiculous it sounded after he said it and we both erupted into uncontrollable laughter. I like the questions and genuine curiosity. I find it easier to excuse the dumb-witted or unintentionally insensitive comments that men make than I do than those of women I feel like should just know better. Men don't come back at you with stories about how their friend "struggled" to get pregnant for three months before getting knocked up or how they "know how you feel" because they get bad cramps when Aunt Flow arrives. At least none of the men I know do! I am not the type to scream from the rooftops that we are doing IVF but if I do feel safe telling someone I do find that I enjoy talking about it and enjoy the genuine curiosity and excitement that most express in response

Speaking of insensitivity....I forgot to mention that there was a 3 week old baby in the waiting room at the clinic on Friday night. I KNOW they have a no-baby policy there so I was shocked 1) that someone had the audacity and lack of consideration for IFers to do that and 2) that none of the nurses or stack said anything to them. I found myself holding back dirty looks that fighting to jump to my face. And then I fought back anger at myself for wanting to shoot dirty looks at a cute-ass baby! What nasty things this IF does to us!

Really must add pictures or graphics to this site. Is b-oring! Will do after introduction to shiny yellow laptop. Can you tell i'm excited?!

The Roller Coaster

Pa-lease let me get off this ride. My god. It's making me sick. What a week to be without internet! I have been itching to post everyday but we've been down at work and Mr. P. has been taking our sole computer (still no sign of sunny yellow De.ll laptop that it seems I ordered an eternity ago) to school with him all day everyday so no connectivity for me.

Let's see.... my week started off with what was supposed to be a routine trip to the dentist during which I ended up in tears and scared the bejesus (sp?) out of the hygienist. I have NEVER had problems with my teeth. My check-ups for the last ten years have consisted of "things look good. Just a little tartar. And please floss more"). This visit went more like this....hygienist finishes cleaning, pulls chair close and says in a deathly-serous tone "i don't know what has happened in the last 6 months but you've got some serious problems in that mouth of yours". UH, what? She goes on to say that I am bleeding profusely, my gums are pulling away from the teeth, I have the beginnings of gum disease and she recommends starting antibiotics immediately. Again, Uh what? I looked at her like she was crazy. And then I burst into tears. What is going on in my body? Is there such thing as a premature aging syndrome in which your body starts shutting down and acting like it's 60 when you turn 30? Where your FSH shoots up, your ovaries start to disintegrate and all your hair turns gray. Well, if so, I have it. I have NEVER had dental problems in my life. She seemed as baffled as I when trying to figure out how this could have decompensated so quickly in just 6 months. And she was definitely not prepared for my crying. Neither was I for that matter. At that moment I just felt so let down by my body which seems to be doing nothing right and was overwhelmed by the thought of having one more medical treatment to worry about. I gathered myself enough to slink out of there with some dignity, I think. I know she thinks I'm crazy, though. And I could tell she was telling the Dr. that in Russian. I just know it!

Tuesday...Day 2 ultrasound and blood work for cycle start. Get to the clinic only to find out that mail order pharmacy never sent me Repronex like they were supposed to. Do last minute emergency call to in-town pharmacy and pay for it out of pocket. Call to mail-order reveals that they basically just dropped the ball. Thanks guys. I needed an aneurysm to start off this cycle right. First injection! Not bad. The needle hurt not a bit going in though I was not prepared for how much it would sting pushing in the liquid. I believe I have the Repronex to blame for that. Current dosage is Gonal-F 225 iu and Repronex 75iu. This seems like a lot to me which suggests they think I won't respond well. But what do I know????

Wednesday....Mr.P's SA (which was supposed to be sperm sample to use as back-up at retrieval time) confirms my worst fears as again no moving sperm were found. Devastation and total melt down. Dr. wants him to come back in on Friday for another. They will repeat again on retrieval day and consider TESE the same day if nothing is found. I hold little to no hope they will find anything moving (only 1 out of 10 SAs with any motility are not good odds, my friends). Internet googling in the middle of the night reveals conflicting info on using testicular sperm for ICSI. Not looking good.

Thursday...somehow drag myself to work and feel there is less than 5% chance we will even make it to transfer. That teensy bit of hope is the only thing to keep me injecting myself.

Friday...Mr.P's follow-up SA at 10:00 am. I barely make 1:45 appt (trains delayed, requiring long, expensive car service ride from Brookl.yn to Man.hatt.an with me about to pull my hair out and on verge of tears) to meet very fetching Dr. to discuss options in more detail. Of course, we wait 45 minutes anyway meaning could have just gotten on the stupid delayed train and saved $40. Am barely conscious when Dr. N. excitedly announces that morning SA revealed 1% motility. I believe Mr. P. actually hooted while pumping arm in the air at the news. Woo hoo! Not expected, wonderful news! So we now have cryo back-up for retrieval day with some swimmers. Still prefer fresh swimmers and pray we get them day-of. We discussed Plan C (if no fresh swimmers and no swimmers survive thaw)--TESE which Dr. N. expressed some hesitation about, since chance of finding testicular swimmers might be likely if there are no ejaculated moving sperm on that day. They will not use non-motile testicular sperm either as success rates are low and rates of birth defect increased. Plan D also brought up---donor sperm. Mr. P. and I have not discussed in depth. Know we need to but don't know we are there yet. After all, this really is our first attempt or any kind at pregnancy.

I still have great fears that we will not make it to transfer. That no moving sperm will be available, whether not found in ejaculate or not make it through thaw or not found in TESE. Or that if found and used, that no fertilization will occur or that it won't make it Day 3 or 5 or 6. That's not even entertaining my others fears that I won't stimulate well enough or my eggs won't be of appropriate quality. But, as Mr. P. said, even small victories need to be celebrated. Tonight we will have dinner and toast our 1% motile spermies and leave it at that for now.

Somehow, in the midst of all this drama, we decided to have a holiday party tomorrow. Did I not mention that we are crazy? I am almost repulsed by the idea at this point but am going to force myself to go through it and hope that some of the holiday cheer rubs anyway. At the very least I will be so stressed by the fact that our apartment is in shambles, we haven't bought or decorated a thing and I have nothing to wear for said party, that I will distract myself from the rest of this craziness!

Happy weekend to all!

Procrastination Friday

I really have so much work to do and have no business blogging right now. I only got internet access at work four months ago and it will be my downfall. I really can't tear myself away. Even when deadlines are staring me in the face. Maybe my new sun-yellow De.ll laptop will save me, if it EVER gets here. Maybe I will have all "interneting" out of my system by the time I get to work if I can do it at home. HA!

Just realized that I left our lone car key at home so Mr. P. will not be able to move the car for street-cleaning. Means a bright orange $65 ticket will be awaiting me! woo hoo. AND I forgot to put deodorant on this morning. I already stink to the high heavens. Be thankful you are reading this from afar. Apologies to my co-workers. And even more apologies to those on either side of me on the elliptical at the gym this afternoon.

Meds are ordered. Should arrive tomorrow. Never thought I'd be so excited to see syringes arrive at my doorstep! I feel like it will make this all seem real. Today am feeling slightly more optimistic though FCB (fucking cynical bitch) was present in full force yesterday as I was convinced no moving sperm will be found, no eggs will fertilize and we will not make it to transfer. PLEASE let us at least make it to transfer. That is all I hope for at this point. At least that will mean that something will have fertilized and will indicate hope for the future even if nothing sticks. Forget feeling positive, I am fucking terrified.

Pet Peeve

OK, so I have a number of pet peeves. Most of them seem to revolve around other people's feelings of entitlement, their lack of consideration or awareness of the people around them. I suppose this one (one of my biggest) does sort of fall into this category. Here it is....ready? People who clip their fingernails on the subway or bus. For those people who don't live in large urban areas, you may not have encountered this (or maybe you have in other venues. If so please let me know. I am intrigued about possible variances of this freakish behavior) or maybe even among other urbanites I am the only lucky one to find myself frequently around people who do this. Happened again this morning on the train. Happens at least twice a month! Now, I don't generally consider myself an anal person. I am not a neat freak or squeamish about bodily functions. I am generally fairly tolerate of other's differences and preferences. But to me the idea of someone else's clippings flying (and we do know that they can fly) around a public subway car or bus is just simply repulsive. The clipping sound just seems to echo and even my i.P.od won't drown it out. It grates on every last nerve. I always look around to try and catch the eye of someone else who is repulsed but no one else ever seems bothered. Is this bizarre to anyone but me? Luckily, today it started right before my stop so I was able to make a quick escape. But I can't tell you how many other times I have almost been driven mad by it. A torture possibly equivalent to water boarding.

I am also peeving myself today in that I have somehow allowed overnight for that horrible monster named "Fear, Cynicism, and Doubt" (FCB) to creep in. Despite recent relative positivism about this upcoming cycle I am now seized with fear and am convinced that we will never make it to transfer. Number 1 fear of the day is that there will be no moving sperm and no way to identify the viable ones and therefore all will be for naught. Go away FCB (perhaps Fucking Cynical Bitch is a better descriptor for this acronym?)!

Here we go!

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. I was on such a roll there for a while. So, this is what you've missed in the last 10 days. I did attend the mandatory injection class on Thursday the 15th. Following the class I met with the nurse who informed me that my RE has recommended me for the short protocol due to my large endometrioma and poor FSH and E2 results. OK, not the best news on the one hand though I was actually relieved because it means we can do the whole cycle starting when my my period arrives during the first week in December and finish before X-mas if all goes well. This will mean that at least one full cycle will be paid for. SO relieved! I've already gotten pre-approval by insurance company and just have to finalize ordering of meds. I can't believe this is happening so quickly! I am incredibly excited though now moments of intense panic that the cycle will be canceled due to poor response, surprise overstimulation, no live sperm, etc are creeping in. So far I have been somewhat successful at keeping these thoughts at bay.

In other news, now that I am not overcome with stress about this insurance thing...Had a really nice Thanksgiving at home with fam in Mary.land. All my siblings (and three dogs) were there. Did a whole lot of nothing. Watched tons of TV, especially T.LC, Dis.covery, etc which we don't have here in our basic cable package. Saw Baby.lab for the first. Anyone else seen this? No matter how much I've read and researched on IF, seeing these people's heartbreak when eggs were not good or embryos did not develop was just devastating. Duh, right? As if we don't know this. But somehow seeing it all unfold visually made it just that much more real, and more painful. I cried through the whole thing. It also helped those worried thoughts about my cycle creep in bit more. ugh. Saturday was my B-day. The big 3-0. Not sure really what to make of it. I'm not freaked out or crazy excited. Just not really sure I believe it I think. Or maybe I just don't know what it means. Clearly my body does not know what it means--my eggs think they are 4-0. Actually my hair does too (I have been slowly going grey since 13)! My mom invited family friends over to celebrate. A low-key ordeal much appreciated after a raucous night the previous weekend where the early celebration of my 30th with a couple of friends ended in me barfing up my calamari dinner on Mr. P. in the middle of the night. I would be perfectly happy not being able to drink for 10 months if I am so lucky! Best of all, especially for the purposes of this blog, my fam and Mr. P. pitched in to buy me a new laptop. A bright yellow De.ll. I just ordered it last night and unfortunately it won't be here for several weeks. It is much needed after my old one petered out several months ago. I have been dying without one ever since, resulting in WAY too much internet usage at work. Speaking of.....must get back to it!

The Drama Continues...

Yes, it is now 5:30 am. I have been awake since roughly 2 am after waking from a very short and restless sleep during which I dreamt (i double checked. this is considered a grammatically correct past tense of the word. Though 'dreamed' is also correct which sounds awkward and is therefore why i expected it to be the most correct) about all of the insurance drama that I have been stressing about for the past few days. For some reason the Backstreet Boys also made it into the dream--I think they were at the clinic for some sort of "hormone therapy" (ie, steroids) but which created a more effeminate bunch than they are (were?) in real life. Anywho, as my Grandma says....

Basically, my mind has been racing non-stop, keeping me from sleep and keeping me on the verge of what i suspect is some sort of panic attack. I took half an anti-anxiety pill (left over from long plane rides to Viet.nam this summer) at about 3 am. which usually knocks me out but this time did nothing. Mr. P. and I mulled over all the possible scenarios resulting from this insurance drama last night. Surprisingly, he seems less concerned about the possibility of us loosing out on $15,000 worth of insurance coverage if we don't or aren't able to do a cycle in December. I can't let go of the idea that I had such amazing coverage that i may never have gotten the chance to use. He feels that saving only a little bit of that sum (if the transfer/ retrieval would fall into January) is not worth screwing up our X-mas plans. But if there was some way to be close to sure that the entire cycle would make it into December and we would get everything covered then it would be worth it. If that can't happen we will just have to hold our breath and hope that this new insurance gives us some sort of coverage. Although the new cycle would start right around Jan 1 and if old insurance knows they won't be responsible for covering an IVF cycle in January they may not cover meds that I have to preorder for the Jan cycle in December. What a mess. I am sure that this is not making any sense. It barely makes sense to me. I decided I will still go to tomorrow's (today's actually) injection class and see if I can squeeze in a meeting with my doc in order to figure out what protocol he is considering for us and what, realistically, the timeline would be. Then we can maybe figure out if we will rush to do a December cycle. Have got to know soon so can get the rest of my prelim paperwork in order and leave enough time to order meds. Have I mentioned how much I hate my employer right now???!!

Now I am feeling sleepy. Figures, since it is almost too late to sleep now. Gotta get up early to call in "sick". Stupid injection class is from 10-1 and since it takes me an hour to and from work there is essentially no point in me going in. God, the guily feelings that arise from doing that!